I’m so sorry I crossed the line. I didn’t tippy-toe past the line. I didn’t just cross the line. I didn’t just sprint past it. I brought up a cannon, and I brought it up to the line, and then I crossed the line with that cannon, and then I ran with it until I got tired, and I hired a black guy (don’t worry he was cheap) to carry it further and it shot me out and I landed in a bright neon green speedo thong and I roller bladed but I queefed the entire second verse to “Hey Jealousy” by the Gin Blossoms until I reached my Soviet-era Buran space shuttle and I flew until I ran out of fuel so I landed on my slip ‘n slide coated in vaginal fluids and smegma and slipped down the Grand Tetons (literally Spanish for “Big Tits”) and blew up an abortion clinic, the explosion of which propelled me to the realization that maybe I can be insensitive to Hispanic things. Then I was anally raped by your grandmother.
1) Yes.
2) No.
3) Probably.
4) HELL YEAH
5) HELL PROBABLY
6) Try less parmesan next time.
7) They’re real. (diamonds)
8) A very high-end spice shop, or an unscrupulous drug dealer.
9) Megatron would win that fight.
10) They’re real. (Christmas trees)
11) She’s not like that.
12) I’m afraid she is like that.
13) They’re real. (giant purple spiders crawling over everyone’s faces)
14) Wait, pound-for-pound? …anthropomorphic taco.
15) (The dude for #8 spent $100 for half an ounce of oregano lol) (I didn’t answer your question) (Just explaining jokes) (But your weiner’s on fire)
16) Seriously, enough with the parmesan.
17) THEY ARE REAL!!!!!!!! (boobies)
18) I wonder who DID fart, DAN.
"I hope you have fully recovered from your illness, and don’t let anything else happen to you. In October, remember you and I will get drunk together.” —Groucho Marx to TS Eliot"
—
There is little more restorative on a hanged-over, rained-out day than reading the weird literary mash notes Groucho Marx and TS Eiliot wrote to each other as they spent two years planning, and failing, to have dinner together.
(Oh god. Now I’m truly turning into Cavett)
(Source: areasofmyexpertise)
I am now following not one, but TWO Bob’s Burgers fan tumblrs.
Carry on.
1) It is large.
2) It discharges large amounts of fluid.
3) It shrieks.
4) It is fire truck red.
5) It is full of 6-9 firemen.
6) Children LOVE it.
7) It makes a cameo in “Ladder 49” starring Joaquin Phoenix.
8) In Chapel Hill it turns blue; tourists are often amused by this.
9) It contains a twelve-cylinder engine.
10) It no longer gives rides to Dalmations; that is an obsolete technology.
Daddy Fat Sax: Soul Funk Crusader
Tiberius Morehouse, MFA: Scat Guru
Poon Bin McNugget: Soul Train Killa
Dragonface Bitchkiller: Certified Nursing Assistant
Muhammad Bubblebut: Warrior Princess
Mr. Clean: Kill 99% of Germs, Guaranteed
The Eagles Greatest Hits: Volume 2
21
This afternoon I received a prescription for eye drops that have steroids in them. The following are 100% true text messages I sent to my brother Sam after first taking them.
LOL JOSE CANSECO WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT BLACK BABY
ROFLMFAO SAMMY SOSA IS THAT YOUR SHRIVELED PENIS OR KRANG FROM NINJA TURTLES no way both?
LOL ROGER CLEMENS BEAR TRAPS ARE A CRAZY PIZZA TOPPING
MARK MCGWIRE MECHA GODZILLA DOES COUNT AS BESTIALITY GO FOR POSEIDON INSTEAD
YES, RAFAEL PALMEIRO, MATT DAMON STARRED IN “TITAN A.E.”
YES, ALEX RODRIGUEZ, WOMEN LIKE GAY MEN, AND NO, THIS IS NOT “JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK”
GO AWAY, DAN QUAYLE!
